An Open Letter to the Guy Who Broke My Heart

                                            



I didn't want this, it wasn't supposed to end like this because you were constantly saying I love you even when all I could muster up was I know, you loved me. You accepted it and then you just walked out the door one day without so much as an explanation, you left me with my heart bleeding and beating wildly in the palm of my hand because I had finally been able to say it back without it feeling like I was spewing a little white lie, and it wasn't a little white lie. It was the truth because somehow you had made me fall in love with you even though I had sworn off love for a very long time.

You showed back up in my life by chance and it was frightening when you admitted that for years you had been fawning over me. I simply took it as a compliment, but in all honesty I wasn't sure what you meant to happen from that and soon enough it all became clear. I was sucked into another relationship before I could even fully process what had just happened and despite my constant insistence for us to slow down, you wouldn't. No was never a word you liked to hear, never less believe in, so every time it left my lips you silenced it with your own.

I never wanted this, I didn't want my chest aching and my heart breaking because I let another person in to soon, and you. You made me do that! I wish I could hate you, with every fiber in me, I wish I could! The only thing, though, I can feel, betrayal, mostly and then some anger and maybe a little resentment, but hatred is in a far, far, far away land that literally wants nothing to do with me.
You. You did this. You did this to me and I will never be able to let that go. You. You ripped open my chest cavity and shoveled my heart and traipsed around like it was your little prize you won or something. It wasn't though. It wasn't even something you had been offered you just stole it right out of my chest and held it up so high that I couldn't reach it even with the tallest ladder. You. You smothered me in love and talk of acceptance, then all but threw my heart back at me and I barely caught it. You basically threw my bloodied, beaten, bruised, and cracked heart back at me and left without so much as an explanation or proper goodbye. You were there and then you were just gone, just like when you appeared back in my life out of nowhere.

Sometimes late at night when I am lying awake wishing, hoping, praying sleep will invade my senses, I wonder what happened to you. I wonder if you ever moved away like you talked about. I wonder if your grandma is still a little off like she was when I knew her. I wonder if you ever got a job, a real one. I wonder if you found a new girl to play games with or if you actually found a girl who could keep up with you.
Truthfully though, I could care less, none of it matters to me. It's all one big fleeting thought that crosses my mind a second before I drift off into the land of dreams or the early hours of the morning when I'm so sleep deprived that my brain begins to create stupid little fantasies that somehow involve the incoherent thought train that includes you.

I have never gotten the sudden urge to call you up or shoot you a text because frankly I never even took the time to memorize your number. I pass by one of the roads you used to live off of, sometimes, and never once have I felt a pull to drive down that street and see if you'll be out in the yard tending to the animals or working on your car, that is a lost cause. At some point, once upon a time you made me love you, but you never tried to make me keep on loving you. When you left without so much as a proper goodbye, yeah I was heartbroken and resentful, but I was never devastated, I never cried over the loss of you; because you never tried to make me love you forever, if I am being honest I'm not sure if I ever loved you, maybe I loathed you, but loved, nope.
You did teach me something though, and that would be, just because my heart has been through a war zone doesn't mean it isn't valuable, if anything it's more valuable and now I know to be more careful who I hand it over too. If I were ever going to say one last thing to you, it would be thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart and showing me just exactly what kind of person you really are.