When You Died, I Didn't Just Lose My Best Friend
It started out like any normal day, well as normal as it could be for me, but I couldn't help the nagging feeling in my chest that kept telling me something was about to change and it wasn't going to be anything small. I can't help but blame myself, though I had nothing to do with any of it, I wasn't the one behind the wheel, I wasn't the reason your car swerved at the wrong time, so why do I feel like I'm the reason your gone? I can't say for sure, maybe it was because we hadn't talked in months and it was my fault really, I've never been very great at staying in touch. Maybe though it was because I was so busy rolling around in my own self-misery because the relationship I was in was falling apart and instead of acting upon it I just let it happen. The real reason, though, I was ignoring you, and it seems so childish now that I sit here thinking about it, why I was ignoring you because you saw something, in this guy I claimed to be madly in love with, you saw something dark inside him and you tried to save me from it. I got angry and so stemmed me ignoring you for the months to come, then on that dreadful April day I was told that you were gone and I screamed out loud in the freezing house, I screamed because it couldn't be true. I had only just talked to you fifteen hours before and we were supposed to do something the next day, on your insistence no less, my screaming soon turned to tears which were followed by a string of "no" and "this can't be true" because it couldn't possibly be true. You were only nineteen and things like this didn't happen to us, we were untouchable to the cruelty of the world and we had yet to meet Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, we had a bucket list to fulfill together, an incomplete one at that.
I collapsed onto the couch, at that point, a sobbing, incoherently mumbling mess and my mother held me close or at least tried too because all I did was keep shoving at her, trying to make her stop smothering me with sympathy that I did not need. You weren't gone, you couldn't be. You were the pop to my tart, the Sunny to my Cher, the best to my friend and you most certainly were not dead, it just was not, in any way possible that you had died before me, that was our joke, that I would die before you because I was impossibly clumsy and you were indefinitely graceful. We were total opposites in the worst way possible but we completed each other no less, what's that saying again, "Every blond needs a brunette best friend and every tall girl needs a short best friend." or something to that effect, but that was us, you were this gorgeous tall, brunette with piercing blue eyes and porcelain skin while I was irrevocably short and blonde with a strange shade of hazel eyes and ivory skin. It's been over a year and a half since you had to leave, and it has been the strangest one to date; a lot has happened since you've been gone, but at the same time nothing has happened either. That makes no sense whatsoever, if you were here right now you'd probably punch me in the arm or something and remark how utterly cheesy I sound right about now, but I don't care at least not in this moment because cheesy is all I've got and that is honestly the worst.
I'm not going to lie and say that I don't wish you were here today because I really do, but I know that I wouldn't be partially who I am if you were here. I wouldn't of been able to grow from the pain of losing you and I honestly would be so filled with regret for not believing you about that guy, you know me though I don't do regret, not really and I would've been so torn up over the fact that I thought you were being childish because I had someone and you didn't. You were never one to be jealous because jealousy is idiotic and according to you I was the only one who could be idiotic, though I could name a few times where your bright ideas wound up being utterly idiotic and usually ended with one of us getting hurt or both of us in a heap of trouble. I just wish so much that I could go back in time and change everything that happened in the months leading up to the accident, I just wish I hadn't been so consumed by petty hurt over the truth and I wish I could at least tell you that you were right about him. I can't though and I will spend my days missing you like the sun misses the moon and wishing over anything that I could have just one more day with you laughing over our own idiocy and pretending we're pioneers of the great wild west, despite our age because who am I kidding, no matter our age we will always be overgrown children, that's just who we are.
When you died, I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost one of the people who had a starring role in my childhood memories and I lost my biggest inspiration. Someday, though, I will see you again and you will probably smack me for this post because somehow you'll know it exists, you'll comment on how completely and stupidly cheesy it was and then you'll go on to say that it was one of the best things I've ever done for someone I care about.
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