An Open Letter to the Guy Who Ruined Me

What happened to forever?

All those late nights we'd stay up talking on the phone in soft melodic whispers, those rare nights we actually got along and promised that nothing could ever break us apart because it was you and I forever, through and through. Because you were supposed to save me, at least that's what you always promised to do, but I guess in the end I had to save myself from the monster who stole the boy I loved with my whole being.
I tried so hard to fight, with everything in me I fought and it still wasn't enough because no I had already lost you long before I ever saw what we were becoming, but the worst part of it all, I forgot who I was before I met you, before you destroyed me and stole my innocence.

Who is that girl standing next to my family and friends in those photos because it most definitely is not me, it can't be me because well I'm not really sure, it just most certainly does not seem like me anyways.
Then again I'm not really sure who I am because as far as I can tell I am lost wondering the streets late at night, doing things I most definitely would not have ever done. I am the most reckless I have been and for a short time it is bright thrill, but when it fades and I am back in my bed buried beneath piles of blanket I remember that I am broken and my smile no longer exists, the chill in the room bites at my cheeks and I reach to try and warm them only to find tears cascading down them like the rainstorm brewing outside and I scream internally because I should not be crying over the boy who destroyed me, yet I do, on so many cold nights I cry and I yearn for your arms around me but I know its only because you forced me to be something with you which left me with nothing in your absence and I loathe you for that.

I loathe you because I can't get you out of my head, your laugh echoes through every crack in my walls and your smile breaks through the darkness I shroud my room in. I loathe you because my world is spinning out of control, and my chest is burning, heaving, begging for a release from the pain my heart wrenches in, all I can hear is your angry words seeping through every locked door and broken window. I loathe you because even though you ruined me, I still love you. I loathe you because I was still fighting for you even after I had given you up, I fought to keep you in my life and you threw it in my face.

I have never been cold or heartless, but the minute you walked into that room and I walked towards you to do damage control, every fiber in my body screamed at me to run, to run away and to never learn your name. I have never been cold or heartless, but the minute your name crossed my lips for the very first time I felt a coldness seeping into my bones and it's settled there to never be erased or forgotten, it is a constant reminder that I am too trusting of even the worst of people. I have never been cold or heartless, but the moment your lips met mine I felt my heart stop beating and I don't believe it has resumed its normal of beating since that day.

I am ruined because I let you in and you took over every inch of my being, and I have yet to recover all the pieces you stole. I am ruined because I break at the slightest mention or sight of something that is similar to you, my chest heaves and burns, nausea takes over my body, my hands shake, my head spins, and my eyes fill with tears I swear will never be spilled; that's not true though, the minute I am behind a locked door and I am completely alone I break into a million pieces though I try to hold myself together with my own arms, but it's too late not even I can save myself from what you have done to me. I am ruined because you dug yourself into every deep and dark corner of my mind, I can't open a closed door without the fear that you will be standing there, ready and waiting to tear me a new one. I swear the bruises you left across my arms and abdomen are still there, almost like they are a tattoo of what you did to me.

Our story is written across my entire body, from day one to the very last day, the day I walked away from you a shaking, shattered mess. I can't even hold myself up without the fear of breaking, the mention of a relationship makes me recoil in fear because you have ruined me forever. In the beginning you promised me that you would be with me always and forever, I just never imagined that you meant the memory of what you have done to me would always and forever be seared into my mind. That was not the kind of forever I imagined, but I guess everyone has a different version of forever, I just never believed you would be the kind of guy to ruin a girl like me. Then again we can never really know anybody, not even those closest to us.
You ruined me and sometimes I can't help to believe that this was your plan from the start, I'll never know for sure though because I know I could never face you again.