I Have Always Been UnLovable🤍

                                                   I Was Always UnLovable; 

 A Journey of Self-Love

 

I was always unlovable, at least that's what I was told for a majority of my life. It was always, 

"If you just lose a little more weight." 

"If you just weren't so loud." 

"If you just take up less space."

There were so many of these things being said to me and they all ended with, well you'd just feel so much better about yourself; the silent part though and what was actually being meant was "you'd be more lovable if you just changed everything about who you are to appease those around you." 

So for a while I did. 

I got caught up in diet culture and gym culture and counting calories and endless cycles of what I was supposed to make me feel better right? 

 

All that ended up leading me to the point of purging on so much food that I would become sick and my body would force itself to throw it all up and then when it got the point I wasn't keeping anything down, I just stopped eating all together; I had reached the point of starvation to fit myself into this box of what I was supposed to look like. I would drink an influx amount of water in an attempt to trick myself into believing I was full. 

The craziness in all of it was that my body didn't change much at all because though I was losing body fat, my body was strong and has always been strong so that muscle just hung on. 

   I was beginning to hate myself. 

  No, worse than that I loathed my entire being. 

I began believing I would never be lovable because no matter what I did to make myself more appealing and lovable the more people told me there was more I should be doing.

  I wanted to die. 

         To just end it all because I was so unlovable, that I wouldn't even be missed.

            At least that's what I had been led to believe. 

 

After spending years inside a body I loathed with my entire being, I began to piece myself back together and take the comments with a smile followed by a no thank you because who I am and what I do and how I live is my business and not a single other fucking person's.

My wake up call came at 17 when the purging and then endless days of not eating and excessive workouts quite literally made me collapse and I became very ill; nobody knew what was wrong with me. 

I didn't even know, at least not right away, all of my symptoms pointed towards pneumonia and the flu, but it wasn't either. 

Then as I slowly began regaining my strength, it dawned on me. I was quite literally killing myself, but I was being healthy right? 

Oh how wrong I was! 

 

My life is better now because I can eat that damn piece of chocolate cake and that 3rd slice of pizza without feeling guilty and telling myself that means I have to eat less tomorrow to make up for it. 

Some days are a lot harder than others, but the woman I am today and the body I have today is healthy. 

Could I stand to lose some weight? Truthfully, yes I could. 

Will I work to lose that weight? 

Yes, I will. 

BUT. 

I will do so in my own time frame. 

I will do so in a healthy way. 

And most importantly I will do so on my terms. 

The days of people pleasing and doing things to appease everyone around me are over. 

I will exist in whatever damn way I please and if y'all can't handle that, well then honey you know where the fucking door is so please show yourself out. 

 

I spent countless years loathing myself, but absolutely no more. 

I have always been unlovable. 

The truth is though I have always been lovable. 

Even when I take up space. 

Even when I'm loud. 

Even though my weight isn't "desirable". 

Because the fucking truth is, I am desirable and I am lovable despite what social media and what I have always been told. 

I will always be this woman. 

And I choose today to love this fucking woman I am.

Flaws and all. 

So as I said earlier if you don't like who the fuck I am, you know where the fucking door is and you can see yourself out.

Bye-bye honey boo, if the door hits you on the way out don't blame me.