An Open Letter to the People Who Need to Make Excuses for My Abuser Because They Can't Handle It

 

I know what happened to me and I don't expect you to understand what I went through because you weren't there when it was happening, then even after it was over it took me years to be able to talk about it because if I didn't talk about it then it wasn't real, right? 

Wrong, it did happen, it was very real and it's a lot to process I understand that; what I can't even begin to fathom is the fact that some people are willing to make up an excuse for the person who hurt me. 

It makes me sick to hear people say, "Well were you really raped? I mean you did say you didn't fight the whole way through." or "Well it seems like it was just a boy being boy, you know getting carried away in the passion of the moment." 

The worst of all though, "That doesn't count as a real sexual experience because you didn't want it to happen." 

No, I did not want it to happen. 

No, I did not fight the whole way through because soon enough it became clear that no matter what I did. 

Yes, I was raped and I stopped fighting because he wouldn't stop assaulting me so I gave up and let it happen. 

Yes, it was a real sexual experience because I was forced to have sex despite wanting it. 

No, it was not a boy being a boy letting himself get carried away in the passion of the moment. 

My rape was a man refusing to listen to me saying no and ignoring my desperate attempts at fighting him. 

People wonder why I never spoke up about this sooner, why I chose not to report it.

The answer is plain and simple, rape culture.

Rape culture is the act of victim blaming, slut shaming and a lot of other things that all circle back to the statement, "Well they were just asking for it."
I was not asking to be raped, I did not want to be sexually objectified. I did not want to be scared of every man who shows me a little to much attention in the grocery store. I did not want to be terrified to walk through the grocery store parking lot at night. I did not want to wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because my mind keeps replaying that horrific day over and over.
I refuse to let myself be subjected to victim blaming and slut shamed because someone else decided that they wanted me and they refused to listen to my clear objections against it.

I am a survivor, not a victim.
I was sexually abused and not everyone can handle that, but I refuse to be silenced any longer.

I was sexually abused and I survived, I chose and still choose not to report it because at this point in my life no good would come of it.
It has taken me years to come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted and I will spend the rest of my life refusing to be silenced about it anymore. 

I won't make excuses for him and I can't understand why some people must. I won't even make excuses as to why it has taken me so long to talk about my assault, I was suffering, I was terrified and I was drowning because I had let myself become a victim. Now I know, I am not a victim, I am a survivor and no one can ever take that away from me.

I know what happened to me and I know it was real, I don't need anyone else to justify it for me because it is real and it did happen. I will be just fine if some people aren't able to handle that news, but don't you ever try to make excuses or justify his actions for your own peace of mind.

I pray everyday that he never assaults another girl, but that if he does that she finds the courage to do something about it. I pray that if another girl is ever assaulted by him or any other man that she finds the strength and courage to reach out for help and that she is able to realize she is not a victim, she is a survivor.