The Truth About Loving Someone With MDD (Major Depressive Disorder)

 

 

The truth about loving someone with Major Depressive Disorder; it is never going to be easy.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life; always being scared to ask for help in fear that I would be told it wasn't real or that I was "attention seeking". I was in my early 20's when I finally sought help, I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) & C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and when this intake therapist told me this, I broke down in her office because for the first time in my life; I had this validation that this was real and I wasn't just making all of this up in a desperate attempt for attention like I had always feared would be what was said to me. 

I was 23 when they diagnosed me. 

Over the course of the next 3 years, I ended up in a dangerously abusive relationship and was forced by my partner to go off of the anti-depressant and to stop seeing my therapist because "they were only putting lies into my head and the medicine was making me blackout." 

And I did, not because I wanted to but out of pure fear for my life. 

It took me almost 2 years to get away from that monster, but I did and I spent months being terrified and constantly looking over my shoulder in fear that he would come back; this time to finish what he had already tried to do. 

It took a few more months before the fear dissipated and I started to take care of myself again, I started a new anti-depressant and for those first few months I felt better, happier, vibrant. 

Then, I felt that darkness creeping back in and I was drowning again. I convinced myself I was entirely fucked; that there wouldn't be a medicine that would work for me. 

I tried for the next couple of months to deal with everything on my own, hiding that the darkness had consumed me again and I felt numb all the time. 

I forced smiles and laughter; I showed up even though I just wanted to stay hidden within the four walls of my bedroom, buried beneath the pile blankets. 

Then on February 22nd, 2024; I reached my breaking point, I couldn't do it anymore. 

I wrote the letter, I left the instructions and the important information written on a notepad on my kitchen bar-top; then I walked to the bathroom, pulled out all the pills and shoved them by handfuls into my mouth, washing it all down with the bottle of wine I swiped from the kitchen. 

I don't remember when or how, but I ended up in the living room again; my legs were weak and everything was spinning, but I still had a few more pills to take. I shoved the last handful into my mouth and washed them down with the last swig of wine. 

Everything after that becomes a confusing blur. 

I vaguely remember calling for help and being transported to the hospital. 

Then nothing but random bits and pieces. 

The next evening I was transferred to a psychiatric facility where I spent the next 8 days, finally getting that help I had been terrified to ask for. 

I met some of the most beautiful souls and finally found myself again; I found that with MDD & C-PTSD that SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are not always effective as SNRI's (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors) can be. 

The difference being how they communicate with specific neurotransmitters in the brain. 

I was switched to a SNRI, which has higher dosage start off's than an SSRI would. 

The difference I felt within the next 48 hours as my body and mind adjusted to this new medicine, felt like a night and day difference. 

I found it was easier for me to not let this darkness consume me and that I didn't feel foggy like before. 

Once I was discharged, I moved back in with my family who was terrified and grateful I was still alive; I found that despite the circumstances that had led to this, my family was more open to understanding mental health and what had led me to the place of attempting suicide. 

It was not an easy conversation, but the truth is; talking about mental health is never an easy thing. 

I let myself take it slow in going back to work and stepping back into the world; my life changed that day. I faced my own demons and somehow by God's grace, I won that battle. 

But the fact of the matter is this, when loving someone with MDD; our battle with our demons will never be over. We will have good and bad days, but even on our worst days we still need someone to show up for us. 

I know we do not make that easy, we've gotten so good at plastering on that smile and repeating the words 'I'm fine' to the point that they don't even sound like real words anymore. 

We hate to be a burden; our worst fear is to be a burden to the ones we love, so we self isolate and we pretend to be okay. 

The truth about loving someone with MDD is this. 

We need you, even on the days it seems as though we don't. 

We love hard and big, but we're not always the best at showing this. 

We tend to self-isolate, a lot. Don't let us; we will be grateful for you at the end of the day. 

We will always show up for any and every soul we care about; even when we don't know how to do the same thing for ourselves. 

Loving someone with MDD will be a very difficult thing because we're ingrained to believe we're a burden, but I promise you this; no matter how hard it seems. 

The love you will receive in return will be the sweetest most tender love you will have ever experienced. 

Thank you to everyone who has held space for me; I know I have not always made that easy and just know that I love you. 

Please remember this, you are not alone and you will absolutely be missed. 

The mental health hotline number is 988. 

My door is always open and so are my DM's, please don't ever be afraid to seek help despite how scary it seems. The love and assurance you will find when you do will be exactly what you are needing. 

I love you, please stay another day🤍