Countdown To Finding The Girl I Used To Be

 

  25. Everything hurts and no matter how much you sleep it's not enough. The exhaustion wears on your soul as if it's becoming a part of who you are, the bags under your eyes have become a permanent part of your face. The nightmares never stop and they're showing up in the faces of everyone around you now and you're starting to question if you will ever find the girl everyone thinks you are. 

24. You half believe he was right, all those nights he told you that everyone would be better off if you were dead. You tell yourself that you made the right decision by leaving because one day longer with him may have been your last day living. All those nights he waived that thing around at you replay on repeat inside your brain, especially the night he tossed you around like a rag doll and held you down to the bed by your neck with it aimed at your skull. You want to believe you made the right decision, but the ache inside your bones and chest make you wonder if you should've believed him when he said he would change? 

23. You are healing, that's what you keep reminding yourself. It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to question yourself, but you have to remind yourself this is not your fault; you never deserved to be treated like that. You deserve to be loved, to be cherished in all the right ways. You deserve someone who will never make you question your own sanity, someone who people won't question their character. You deserve only the best, my dear and someday you will find them. 

22. You're forgetting to eat because you can't tell the difference between hunger and the constant ache in your stomach. The ache that keeps you anxious and looking in every dark corner and hidden space thinking he's hiding somewhere and going to jump out and steal you away from everyone you've ever cared about, again. 

21. You feel lost because without him dictating your every move, you don't know what to do anymore. You don't remember how to feel anymore because he never let you feel anything without constantly reminding you that you are entirely too much and that nobody will ever love you except for him. Though not on the days where he hated your very existence and told you that it was a mistake your parents let you live. 

20. You feel as though you're fading from existence as though everyone you once knew has forgotten you existed and could care less that you are still here and still breathing. You tell yourself they don't care about you, that they're glad to have you out of their lives because you are entirely too much and they never actually liked you. 

19. You're scared to be touched, to be loved because what if you never find someone who will know how to touch you gently, someone who will know how to love your fragile and broken soul. You tell yourself you don't deserve it anyways because the only people who will ever love you will always be the ones who will take advantage of you and never actually want to know you, not truly know you. 

18. You've stopped opening up, you stopped trying because every time you did he would shut you down and tell you how much worse he had it than you ever would. You started to believe that what you've survived was meaningless and you have no right to consider it trauma because real trauma is something you can never move past. 

17. The nights seem endless because sleep is becoming a distant dream and you're getting less and less of it lately. The nightmares are stealing away any peaceful rest you may possibly get in the three to four hours that you can get before your body is forcing you awake with your mind screaming that you will never be safe again. 

16. You agree to literally anything and everything that people ask of you because he never took no as an answer. There are so many nights scarred inside your mind that you wish you could just erase from your memory; because when those memories arise it sends your mind and body into a panicked frenzy that takes all of your energy to fight through. 

15. You're stuck in a loop; go to work, eat and try to sleep. You don't remember how to have a life anymore, you barely remember what it means to go out and not check your phone every few seconds because if you were gone for just a second to long you would have hell to pay when you got home. 

14. You're terrified to let people get close to you because he made you believe that everything you've ever loved to do is stupid and senseless. You stopped doing the things you loved because he wouldn't let you, not without causing a fight and leaving you crying yourself to sleep. 

13. You don't know how to explain the random times that you break out into tears because you are finally free from him. You spent so long in fight mode that you had forgotten that it's okay to let your defenses down and actually feel all of your emotions. 

12. You're working to get back to the girl you used to be or at least a version of her. Everyday you force yourself to stand in front of the mirror as you remind yourself that you never deserved the things he did to you. You never deserved to be terrified to exist inside your own home; you are here for a reason and you deserve to exist in the loudest way possible. You deserved to be loved, really, truly, genuinely loved and not in just a fake kind of I love you sort of way that he did. 

11. You are finally remember how to be happy again, you're smiling again, like genuinely smiling; the kind of smile that lights up your entire face and brings back the sparkle in your eyes you thought was long gone. 

10. You started singing again and when people look at you, you're realizing it's because you were silent of joy for so long and now that joy is slowly returning to your soul. 

9. You keep reminding yourself it's okay for me to exist, it's okay for me to have opinions and to talk about them. You're remembering to take care of yourself and you're putting your health and well being first rather than taking care of everyone else whilst ignoring your own needs. 

8. You're rediscovering your passions and learning to embrace them again. You're letting yourself get caught up inside fictional worlds again and remembering your love of reading. 

7. You're not apologizing as much because you're realizing that you don't need to apologize for every little thing you do; because it is perfectly okay for you to exist and take up space in this world. 

6. You're starting to reach out to people again, working to reconnect to everyone you love because you're realizing they are your people and they've always been your people. 

5. You are perfectly content with being on your own for the first time in a very long time because you've finally connected the dots and realized that it's okay to be alone, so long as you don't let yourself become lonely and fall into the arms of the wrong person again; so you're okay with waiting and not trying to force anything anymore. 

4. You moved back to your hometown and it finally hit you, that this is home. It's always been home and even though you have an incurable sense of wanderlust, this is home; it's the place you want to settle down in and create your life in. 

3. You're learning that it's okay to say no and whenever someone's feelings get hurt or someone gets mad, you're learning that it doesn't mean it's your responsibility to fix that. You keep reminding yourself that you do not have an obligation to fix any and every little problem that arises in people's lives, your only obligation is to fix the issues in your own life. 

2. You're talking about the pain you've been through, you're slowly letting things go and realizing that you can move on with your life even if you never get an apology for all the pain and anguish he caused you; because you keep being reminded that what they give out will be returned a thousand times worse. 

1. This is it; you are slowly finding the girl you used to be except this time she's stronger, she's smarter and this time, she realizes that so long as you love yourself; you won't need anybody who will only pretend to love you♥