How To Know It's Bad Again, A List

1. You can hear your heartbeat echoing in your ears and you're silently hoping that you don't cut off your own fingers while you're trying to finish cutting out the paper hearts you're going to string up.

2. Your showers have gotten longer and the hot water supply seems to have shortened, though that may be because you forget that you actually have to wash the conditioner out of your hair because the water running down your back reminds you to much of his hands tracing the bones beneath your skin.

3. You tell yourself you're going to the grocery store, but then before you know it you're turning onto his street and you keep telling yourself this is not the store yet you can't make your body work properly and now you're in his driveway.

4. When he rejects you yet again you try to ignore the grumbling in your stomach because for some unthinkable reason you believe you must punish yourself for him being incapable of loving you in your lowest point.

5. You just reorganized your underwear drawer for the 6th time in the last 3 days and you question whether you should throw out that orange underwear; you know the bra has shrunk some and the wire is constantly stabbing you and those panties have enough holes to qualify for a very short, oddly-colored, chopped up pair of fishnet leggings. Though they were always his favorite on you and maybe he'll show up on your doorstep tomorrow and so you better keep them just in case.

6. You dig those pictures out of the trash again because you know it was stupid to throw them away, especially if he comes back tonight, he'll wonder why your favorite picture is missing from that broken frame. You know the one, where you're laughing mouth wide open and he's staring at you in awe as if he's seeing you for the first time.

7. You haven't gotten out of bed today except to get some more crackers and maybe to go pee a couple times but you can't remember and you've seen this movie a hundred times today already but you hit play again and you're heart drops every time that text notification isn't from him.

8. Every time you clean out your closet you come across that awful scratchy sweatshirt he gave you and every single time you place in it in the keep pile because you insist it still smells like him; though the truth is that it smells like your perfume though it was always his favorite on you and it never fit you right, always to big and the sleeves to long yet you find yourself wearing it for the next week, secretly praying you'll run into him on the street and he'll realize that you're still helplessly in love with him.

9. You're falling asleep in front of the T.V again and when your friends ask you if you're doing okay, you throw on the realest smile you can manage and tell them how amazing you're doing and that you've never been happier. Though that pile of dirty dishes is growing in the sink and you can't remember the last time you did laundry, not to mention that the nightmares have gotten so bad that sometimes you won't sleep for days.

10. You've rescheduled that doctor's appointment more times than you can remember and your excuse is that you're crammed with work, but the truth is that you haven't left your house in almost a month and you're on the verge of losing your job because you called in sick to many times.

11. You stopped feeling like yourself, you don't wear that blue sweater anymore; you know the one that brought out the green in your eyes so splendidly and maybe its because it was always his favorite on you or maybe its because he always said you were his green-eyed angel and you just don't want to remember anymore, but you know that you'll never forget him.

12. You stopped listening to the radio in your car because it's to painful to remember how the two to of you used to blast it with the windows down on every road-trip you ever took. You wish you could listen to your favorite song again, but it always leaves a breathless, sobbing mess because you can hear his voice singing the words and its made you wonder if it's even worth it to listen to music anymore.

13. You're friends tell you that it may help you to move on if you'd just write about him like you have with so many others, but what they don't know is that you've tried countless nights you've tried to write about the way his hands felt against your skin and how the color of his eyes became your favorite color and how his laugh was so contagious that you could feel it reverberating in your chest months after he'd already left; though you just answer them with a silent nod and a sad smile.


You keep telling yourself you want to move on and forget about him, yet every time he comes knocking you let him in time and again. Someday my darling, you'll be strong enough to leave him waiting outside the locked door, but until then I believe that you can throw those pictures away and get rid of his sweatshirt. I believe you're more than capable of stitching up those seeping wounds by yourself and let his memory be washed away in the tidal wave of tears you collapse into every night. I believe you're more than capable of telling him goodbye for good, but until then my sweet I will be here to comfort you in your time of need and wipe those heartbroken tears off your of your cheeks.
You deserve so much better, love; though until you can see that for yourself I will always be here, door open and fridge fully stocked. I will help you find a home inside yourself again and I will help you tend to those infected wounds until you see that he is the disease which has torn down your home.